20 to 22

20 to 22

Until today

I never knew

What I really got from

20 to 22

20 to 22 

Very hard years

Stripped so much

Left wasted tears

But I told myself

And others too

I would never wish away

20 to 22

For what it took

It also gave

I can't keep the sun

Without the rain

Until today 

I never knew

That I could sit and stay

And not hug you

I could feel the pain 

Of what I lost

Look in your eyes 

And remember the cost

But not once did I need

An embrace or a touch

The last two years

Took away that much

Now I wonder 

Am I strong or just cold

20 to 22

Is this what you sold

I have changed

That much is true

And that's what I got from 

20 to 22

© Ruby Neumann

Poet's Note: Written June 5, 2022

I hadn't seen her for years, and there I was, face to face with a former co-worker, that I never got to say goodbye to.  Before 2020, that might have initiated a response in the way of a hug from me and even her.  But I just sat, chatted and reunited with her, ironically… six feet away.  

And then he walked in… and the same thing happened.  I didn't get to say goodbye to him either.  But nothing in me needed to reach out farther than the six feet between us.  Maybe it was just because they were both former co-workers and we were all used to a lack of the touchy-feely environment, but this morning, I felt it was more.  I have lost something in me.   

In the last two years, my body has become accustomed to so much that I didn't realize.   I used to need hugs.  I still need hugs, but maybe I don't need them from everyone now.  That pool of people I need hugs from, in the last two years, got very small.  I am left to wonder if that is a good thing.